Tough Topics | Oh My Ovary

Hi everyone, I'm Llinos, I'm 27 and I live in Wales, UK.  While Kenzie rocks it over on my blog today, I'm here to share my story with you as part of the Tough Topics series.  But first, here's a little more about me.  I love lipstick, shoes, guinea pigs and crafting.  I'm writing my first novel and when I'm not writing, you can find me crocheting granny square blankets.  I've recently got into fitness and healthier living.  I am dedicated to living a bold and beautiful life.

The story which I want to articulate began 15 years ago, when I was diagnosed with cancer as a 12 year old child.  A huge germ cell tumor had grown on my ovary, and I had both removed during major surgery.  After a course of chemotherapy, I recovered and went on to become a healthy teenager.  It took six months to eradicate cancer from my body, but emotionally I was changed forever by what had happened to my young body.  I had lost my ovary only a short time after I had learned about puberty, but I was reassured that my one remaining healthy ovary would still be able to give me a child in the future.  I promised myself that I would not let anything happen to my one remaining ovary.

Over the years, regular blood tests and check ups became a regular occurrence for me.  During a routine abdominal scan when I was 24 years old, I was shocked when the technician told me I had a growth on my ovary.  I was deeply upset but I was bustled out of the room and told I would need to speak to a doctor for any further information; the growth was identified as a dermoid cyst.

But life had to go on.  I had to go to work and pretend nothing was wrong, when this niggle at the back of my mind persisted in worrying that this cyst would become a cancerous tumor.  For two years I went back to hospital for scans every three months, which showed that the cyst was growing.  Still none of the doctors wanted to operate on a childless young woman with one ovary, in case the ovary had to be damaged or removed.  No doctor told me the cyst would become cancerous; but no one told me it wouldn't, and with my medical history all bets were off.

Finally I was told to prepare for surgery, but first I would need to consider IVF to freeze my eggs in order to protect my fertility, in case my ovary had to be removed during the operation, thus robbing me of my ability to have a baby naturally.  History was playing a cruel trick on me.

IVF was a huge decision, and after months of asking for second opinions and considering the options, me and my boyfriend decided to freeze embryos.  Our focus was on having the cyst removed, and we attended the IVF appointments and presentations with confidence that the IVF injections and drugs would cause no more than minor discomfort to me.  Once the embryos were frozen, the operation on the cyst could take place and we could move on with our lives.

I was not at all prepared for the hell of the IVF drugs.  The daily injections caused my ovary to swell to the size of a balloon.  The pain was unbearable.  I was admitted to hospital three times due to the pain and dehydration.  The drugs were poisoning me and I was so scared that I would die in agony due to my ovary bursting.  When my eggs were harvested, I hoped the pain would be over, but the agony persisted as my ovary objected to being poked with a needle, and the swelling took days to go down.

Three months later, in February 2014, I finally had the cystectomy operation.  It was a very smooth procedure compared to IVF.  The cyst was removed and my ovary was left intact.  I recovered well and since then a huge weight has lifted from my mind and I finally feel above to move on.  Six months after the cystectomy, I was discharged from the clinic; the first time since my cancer diagnosis all those years ago.  I wept with joy and relief.  

If you are considering IVF, please look into the side effects of treatment and be more aware than I was of how dreadful an experience it can be.  Our bodies are miracles; mine has healed from cancer, operations, IVF... it never ceases to amaze me and I am thankful for my life everyday.  I want to raise awareness of ovarian cysts and cancer in young women; it can be a very isolating experience but I want you to know that you are not alone.  From my heart to yours, I wish you well on your journey, and please reach out to me if you'd like to discuss anything further.

www.thelilaclinnet.com

www.twitter.com/thelilaclinnet

____________________________________________________________________________________

I do encourage anyone, to reach out and email me, if you would like to join. I would love to be able to share your voice. This series is about anything that you find as a Tough Topic to talk about. It could be something you deal with daily (mental, physical, or emotional), something that happened to you and you no longer deal with, a relationship (family, friend, or partner), a story about your child, children and/or pregnancy, this series is really meant for anything that you find hardships with. 

Please withhold and refrain from writing/commenting any harsh or unkind words. Any comments that I feel are unwelcoming and not supportive, will be deleted from the post and series. Thank you in advance.

Tough Topics | This is My Story - Part 4

As I have told you before, that North Dakota made a huge impact on my depression and anxiety. It really was where it spiraled out of control and started to affect my everyday life. I started to see the affects of the disease I live with every single day and there were a lot of points in my life where I still never wanted to admit that I lived with such a disease. I had finally admitted to myself that I knew I had a problem and I needed to get help. 

It was at the end of November that Brecken and I made the decision to break things off. It was the hardest thing I have been through and it is still really hard for me to talk about to this day, because I was a confused and emotional mess when it happened. I didn’t want to leave him, I loved him. I knew though that deep down in my heart, I needed to leave him behind and go home. I knew that I needed to get help for myself and get myself into a better place. 

So, I made the decision to move home. 

Let me tell you – leaving North Dakota was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. I cried the entire way home. Yep, that is just over 19 hours of crying. I cried for days after I got home too. I was an extremely hard decision to make, but I knew that I had to make it for myself.

Once, I got home and gave myself a few days to settle down, I made a doctor’s appointment. I knew that I needed to not only talk to someone about what was going on emotionally with me, but I also knew that I needed to figure out what had been going on physically and mentally as well. I talked to my doctor whom I have been seeing for years; she thought that I had suffered from depression, but knew that the same time that I have to admit to myself that I struggled with it. 

She and I made the decision to get me on a prescription that would help balance out my body as well as some medication for the anxiety that I have always dealt with. I have always had anxiety attacks, but until I could get myself balanced, we both thought it best to have something to help calm me down if one was to happen. I had more back to back anxiety attacks in the first few months I was home then I had ever had in my entire life. For me, night time was always the worst. It took me such a long time to finally be able to sleep through the entire night without waking up from an anxiety attack. It was horrible to say the least.

Between my regular doctor and my counselor, I am grateful for the support they offered me. There is one thing that both my counselor and my sister offered as advice, write down your feelings. I really recommend this to anyone, doesn’t matter if you suffer from depression or not. Writing down your feelings/problems is such a great way to release those feelings that you are harboring inside of you. There will be times in your life where you need a second to yourself, you need to release those emotions, because they can tend to build and one day it will be too much.

Months went by and I had finally started to understand what was going on with my body. I started to understand my emotions and how to control them. The best part though, I started to feel better and normal. I finally hit that point in my life where I smiled for no reason and could really enjoy every single day. 

During the beginning months I had dedicated to getting myself better; I changed my eating habits, joined a gym and I lost the 30 pounds that I had gained while I was in North Dakota. I could honestly say that I felt amazing inside and out, for the first time in a really long time. This was so important to me. I finally was in a place where I felt happy and ambitious. It was so good to live a balanced life.

Since then – I have officially come off of my depression and anxiety medication and have learned how to handle the ups and downs on my own. Although, I do know that if at any moment, it is too much, I have an amazing support group behind me to get me back on track. I understand that everyone goes through their hardships in life, but I know now to not let it control me. If I have control of it, it will not destroy me. Also, I have been able to keep the weight off and I feel amazing! I am stronger than I was and I am extremely grateful for the trial that I have been through to get me here. I honestly can’t say that I would change a single thing that has happened in my life. I have been through some really hard times, but in the end I am a much stronger person because of it. I am happy and that is important to me. The best thing though, I know that no matter how hard life can get, I know that I can make it through it.

I really have to take a second and thank everyone in my life. I couldn’t have done it without you all, I really don’t know where I would be without you all. I am forever grateful for the support and courage through my journey to getting healthy and happy. I am so thankful for all the talks and non-stop support that I am so blessed to have received. I love you all!

I am sure you are all wondering about the end of our little love story. When Brecken and I reconnected in March, we both knew that we wanted to make sure we weren’t just jumping into something. We took things slow and got to know each other again. Our relationship now is stronger than it has ever been and we are grateful for the time we had apart, because it made us who we are today.  

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I would be more than happy to help you with whatever I can! If you think that there is a possibly you may suffer from depression or anxiety, please do me a favor and contact your doctor just to talk about it. It never hurts to talk to someone outside of your circle about something that is currently going on in your life.

I want to take a second and thank all of you whom have taken the time to read my journey. I know that I am one of many people out there who suffer with depression and I hope that someday, I will be able to inspire someone to get the help they need to get healthy and happy! 

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3

________________________________________________________________

I do encourage anyone, to reach out and email me, if you would like to join. I would love to be able to share your voice. This series is about anything that you find as a Tough Topic to talk about. It could be something you deal with daily (mental, physical, or emotional), something that happened to you and you no longer deal with, a relationship (family, friend, or partner), a story about your child, children and/or pregnancy, this series is really meant for anything that you find hardships with. 

Please withhold and refrain from writing/commenting any harsh or unkind words. Any comments that I feel are unwelcoming and not supportive, will be deleted from the post and series. Thank you in advance.

Tough Topics | This is My Story - Part 3

 

As I told you in before, that North Dakota really made a huge impact on my depression and anxiety. It really was where it spiraled out of control and started to affect my everyday life. I started to see the affects of the disease I live with every single day and there were a lot of points in my life where I still never wanted to admit that I lived with such a disease. It was such an ugly thing to me; I never wanted to admit that I was one of ‘those’ people that had a problem.

Lets rewind just a bit and get a glimpse of Brecken and I's relationship; I haven't ever actually taken the time to write a full one..

December 2009
Brecken and I met.
April/May 2010
Brecken had a job offer in Louisiana that he couldn't turn down.
October 2010
The business Brecken worked for in Louisiana laid everyone off, so he decided to move home.
April 2011
Brecken decided he wanted to move to North Dakota for work.
July 2011
I made the move to North Dakota to be with Brecken.
November 2011
Brecken and I broke up and I decided to move home.
March 2012
Brecken reached out and reconnected with me after over a year of no communication.
May 2012
Brecken came to town for a visit and we hung out. Well - it's pretty much history now, because you all know that we have been together since. 

Okay, now that you now have a small glimpse into our relationship, you will better understand the story I am going to tell.

Brecken and I started a relationship that was really out of left field for both of us. When we met, neither of us was looking to get into a relationship with someone. But, neither of us could help that we fell for each other from the start. He was so handsome and I was totally smitten with him. He was funny and could make me laugh, plus he was interested in really getting to know me. We could talk for hours and we wouldn’t get bored.

After spending the next couple of months together, he had a job offer that he was going to take in Louisiana. The moment I read his text message saying he had an interview, I started bawling. Yep, full blown out cry session happened at work. It was in that moment that I knew I love him. But, I also knew that having him be gone was going to be really hard.

I was a complete mess for a while, really though, I hated him being gone. I hated not being able to see him all the time and I could burst into tears within seconds. My emotions were on a complete roller coaster at all times. It was kind of crazy. I remember that there were days where I would not sleep but a couple of hours at night, then other nights where I could fall asleep if I sat down. My body was all kinds of screwed up. 

When he finally moved home it was such a good day, but then only a few short months later, he was moving again. This time was different though, I had the intentions of moving with him in a few months. 

July of 2011 is when I finally packed my entire car up and moved to North Dakota. This was a decision I was scared about, yet excited and really kind of nervous at the same time. Brecken had lived at my parents house for a few months before left, but this time was completely different. 

My entire family has always been really close, so being away from them was really difficult. I never realized when I made the decision to move to North Dakota the impact it would make on my emotionally. I was happy to be with Brecken, but I was so sad because I didn’t have my family there too. It was really hard for me and it really would get to me at times.

Winter finally hit North Dakota and I noticed the major impact that it took on me. This is when I really started to notice a huge difference in the way I felt. My emotions were a roller coaster and I couldn’t contain myself. I found myself getting upset over things that I had no reason to get mad about. I found myself distant from everyone around me; friends and Brecken. I would feel just completely off at times and I could never really tell what was wrong. 

This continued through spring and summer, but things would continue to get worse. Of course, I would have really good days and then I would have really bad days. My life was practically a roller coaster ride. I would have all this amazing energy and felt like I was on top of the world, things would go great in my entire world. Then out of nowhere, I just felt like something wasn’t right. I can remember talking to a couple of close friends about it, both of them thought that I suffered from depression. I thought about it for a while, but I still couldn’t admit to myself that I suffered from depression. I still believed that it was such an ‘ugly’ disease and there was no way that I was on of ‘those’ people who suffered from it. I pushed it off and went on with life.

Sadly, my depression really took over my life and affected everything. In early November of 2011 I finally had started to accept that I possibly suffered from depression. I remember sitting inside of a co-workers office and talking to her about my life; everything in my life was wrong. I had made the decision to talk to a counselor about it; she gave me a recommendation as to whom I should be in contact with. The thought of it scared me though, I hadn’t ever talked to some random person about my life in full detail. I put it off for a week or so, then I really started to notice things about how this ‘feeling’ was affecting me. It started to take affect with my friendships and the desire to do anything with my friends. I had been working two jobs for months and then out of nowhere, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had no desire to cook, clean, do laundry or anything that for that matter. I could care less about any of it; which is really weird considering that I ordinarily made dinner at least 4 times a week and always kept a clean home. 

The worst impact it made though, was on my relationship with Brecken. It completely tore us apart. I had become a completely different person and I had no desire for anything anymore. I didn’t want to talk about anything, just held it all in. I had no desire to try and work through our fights, I would actually hold things again him for weeks. I would get mad at him for thing he had no control over and I blamed him for so many things that I should of taken responsibility for. I had absolutely no desire to try, which is horrible. I put the best thing in my life on the back burner and just let it sit there. I didn’t want to lose him, but because I couldn’t admit to the problem at hand, it destroyed me.

PART 1 | PART 2

____________________________________________________________________________________

I do encourage anyone, to reach out and email me, if you would like to join. I would love to be able to share your voice. This series is about anything that you find as a Tough Topic to talk about. It could be something you deal with daily (mental, physical, or emotional), something that happened to you and you no longer deal with, a relationship (family, friend, or partner), a story about your child, children and/or pregnancy, this series is really meant for anything that you find hardships with. 

Please withhold and refrain from writing/commenting any harsh or unkind words. Any comments that I feel are unwelcoming and not supportive, will be deleted from the post and series. Thank you in advance.

TOUGH TOPICS | This is My Story - Part 2

 I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a huge portion of my life. I can remember being in high school and having ‘off’ days and/or weeks. There was something that just affected me and as hard as I tried to snap myself out of the foggy cloud I was in, I just couldn’t. It had to happen on its own and I knew it would. I never could pin-point a problem or tell you what was really affecting me that would send me into this spiral of emotions and the heavy cloud that weighed over my head. 

I believe it was during the summer of 2006, when I had noticed a huge difference in way things had began to affect me. My mom had just undergone a surgery that turn out the way it wasn’t intended too; leaving our entire family in a different state. I had felt as if overnight I had to grow up and take care of my family. I felt as if I now needed to do everything that my mother had previously done, because in her current state she wasn’t able to be home with us. It was more important for to stay in the hospital and have the help of doctors and nurses 24/7. 

The amount of pressure on my shoulders was crazy at times. I had to make sure that my brother was taken care of; keeping his day to day life as normal as possible. I would help my dad as much as I could with anything he needed. I managed to do all the grocery shopping, made dinner, and cleaned the house. I felt as if I pretty much had to keep my family glued together and going. I can’t tell you the exact day and time I had my very first anxiety/panic attack, but I can remember sitting in my car looking over the long list of school supplies and groceries I needed to walk into Wal-Mart and buy. It was in the moment that I started to feel as if I couldn’t breathe. I started to shake and tears just started rolling down my cheeks. Here I was, 17 years old, in the Wal-Mart parking lot, by myself and having no understanding as to what was happening. It took me a while to finally slow my breathing down to where I felt normal again. I cleaned up myself with some napkins and walked into Wal-Mart. 

High School days continued to come and go, nothing really changed. My emotions were like a roller coaster. I would have days as if nothing was ever wrong, then the days would come where I was just different, things were different and I couldn’t bring myself out of the funk I was in. I held a lot of things in and bottle up so many of my emotions, than when something would trigger me, I would explode. When I came unglued, it was bad. I could be a full on anger fit or I would just be an emotional wreck, to the point where I couldn’t contain my tears. A lot of my emotional outbursts would cause me to go into a full on anxiety attack, it was hard for me to control my breathing and my body from shaking like a leaf. If my explosions were more anger driven, it usually would be taken out on either a family member or a friend. It caused so many of my friendships to diminish; it was a never ending cycle through high school. In the end, I had people walk in and out of my life; it became a regular thing to me. 

Although, there were multiple times in High School where my depression and anxiety where very apparent, it never was enough for me to realize that I lived with the disease. I thought it was normal to have the ‘off’ days/weeks I would have, the figured the outburst of emotions were usually caused from stress. It never was enough for me to come to terms and realize that I actually lived with this disease called depression and the affects of anxiety. Look back now, after I have received help, it was apparent and I just over looked all the many signs that I had. 

It is sad to look back on the people that have been affected in my life, because of something that I had no courage to admit and/or see that I was dealing it. Because I couldn’t come out and get the help that I so desperately needed, I found myself in a life of constant up and downs. I hurt multiple friends and family members that I never wanted too. It was a cycle that was sadly, regular to me and because I couldn’t admit to myself what I was dealing with, it got swept underneath the rug and polished over as if nothing was ever wrong. It was normal. But, in the end, there is absolutely nothing normal about living a life like that.

PART 1 | PART 2 

____________________________________________________________________________________

I do encourage anyone, to reach out and email me, if you would like to join. I would love to be able to share your voice. This series is about anything that you find as a Tough Topic to talk about. It could be something you deal with daily (mental, physical, or emotional), something that happened to you and you no longer deal with, a relationship (family, friend, or partner), a story about your child, children and/or pregnancy, this series is really meant for anything that you find hardships with. 

Please withhold and refrain from writing/commenting any harsh or unkind words. Any comments that I feel are unwelcoming and not supportive, will be deleted from the post and series. Thank you in advance.