Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Tough Topics | This is My Story - Part 3


As I told you in before, that North Dakota really made a huge impact on my depression and anxiety. It really was where it spiraled out of control and started to affect my everyday life. I started to see the affects of the disease I live with every single day and there were a lot of points in my life where I still never wanted to admit that I lived with such a disease. It was such an ugly thing to me; I never wanted to admit that I was one of ‘those’ people that had a problem.

Lets rewind just a bit and get a glimpse of Brecken and I's relationship; I haven't ever actually taken the time to write a full one..

December 2009
Brecken and I met.
April/May 2010
Brecken had a job offer in Louisiana that he couldn't turn down.
October 2010
The business Brecken worked for in Louisiana laid everyone off, so he decided to move home.
April 2011
Brecken decided he wanted to move to North Dakota for work.
July 2011
I made the move to North Dakota to be with Brecken.
November 2011
Brecken and I broke up and I decided to move home.
March 2012
Brecken reached out and reconnected with me after over a year of no communication.
May 2012
Brecken came to town for a visit and we hung out. Well - it's pretty much history now, because you all know that we have been together since. 

Okay, now that you now have a small glimpse into our relationship, you will better understand the story I am going to tell.

Brecken and I started a relationship that was really out of left field for both of us. When we met, neither of us was looking to get into a relationship with someone. But, neither of us could help that we fell for each other from the start. He was so handsome and I was totally smitten with him. He was funny and could make me laugh, plus he was interested in really getting to know me. We could talk for hours and we wouldn’t get bored.

After spending the next couple of months together, he had a job offer that he was going to take in Louisiana. The moment I read his text message saying he had an interview, I started bawling. Yep, full blown out cry session happened at work. It was in that moment that I knew I love him. But, I also knew that having him be gone was going to be really hard.

I was a complete mess for a while, really though, I hated him being gone. I hated not being able to see him all the time and I could burst into tears within seconds. My emotions were on a complete roller coaster at all times. It was kind of crazy. I remember that there were days where I would not sleep but a couple of hours at night, then other nights where I could fall asleep if I sat down. My body was all kinds of screwed up. 

When he finally moved home it was such a good day, but then only a few short months later, he was moving again. This time was different though, I had the intentions of moving with him in a few months. 

July of 2011 is when I finally packed my entire car up and moved to North Dakota. This was a decision I was scared about, yet excited and really kind of nervous at the same time. Brecken had lived at my parents house for a few months before left, but this time was completely different. 

My entire family has always been really close, so being away from them was really difficult. I never realized when I made the decision to move to North Dakota the impact it would make on my emotionally. I was happy to be with Brecken, but I was so sad because I didn’t have my family there too. It was really hard for me and it really would get to me at times.

Winter finally hit North Dakota and I noticed the major impact that it took on me. This is when I really started to notice a huge difference in the way I felt. My emotions were a roller coaster and I couldn’t contain myself. I found myself getting upset over things that I had no reason to get mad about. I found myself distant from everyone around me; friends and Brecken. I would feel just completely off at times and I could never really tell what was wrong. 

This continued through spring and summer, but things would continue to get worse. Of course, I would have really good days and then I would have really bad days. My life was practically a roller coaster ride. I would have all this amazing energy and felt like I was on top of the world, things would go great in my entire world. Then out of nowhere, I just felt like something wasn’t right. I can remember talking to a couple of close friends about it, both of them thought that I suffered from depression. I thought about it for a while, but I still couldn’t admit to myself that I suffered from depression. I still believed that it was such an ‘ugly’ disease and there was no way that I was on of ‘those’ people who suffered from it. I pushed it off and went on with life.

Sadly, my depression really took over my life and affected everything. In early November of 2011 I finally had started to accept that I possibly suffered from depression. I remember sitting inside of a co-workers office and talking to her about my life; everything in my life was wrong. I had made the decision to talk to a counselor about it; she gave me a recommendation as to whom I should be in contact with. The thought of it scared me though, I hadn’t ever talked to some random person about my life in full detail. I put it off for a week or so, then I really started to notice things about how this ‘feeling’ was affecting me. It started to take affect with my friendships and the desire to do anything with my friends. I had been working two jobs for months and then out of nowhere, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had no desire to cook, clean, do laundry or anything that for that matter. I could care less about any of it; which is really weird considering that I ordinarily made dinner at least 4 times a week and always kept a clean home. 

The worst impact it made though, was on my relationship with Brecken. It completely tore us apart. I had become a completely different person and I had no desire for anything anymore. I didn’t want to talk about anything, just held it all in. I had no desire to try and work through our fights, I would actually hold things again him for weeks. I would get mad at him for thing he had no control over and I blamed him for so many things that I should of taken responsibility for. I had absolutely no desire to try, which is horrible. I put the best thing in my life on the back burner and just let it sit there. I didn’t want to lose him, but because I couldn’t admit to the problem at hand, it destroyed me.



I do encourage anyone, to reach out and email me, if you would like to join. I would love to be able to share your voice. This series is about anything that you find as a Tough Topic to talk about. It could be something you deal with daily (mental, physical, or emotional), something that happened to you and you no longer deal with, a relationship (family, friend, or partner), a story about your child, children and/or pregnancy, this series is really meant for anything that you find hardships with. 
Please withhold and refrain from writing/commenting any harsh or unkind words. Any comments that I feel are unwelcoming and not supportive, will be deleted from the post and series. Thank you in advance.

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