Thursday, October 16, 2014

Tough Topics | This is My Story - Part 4

As I have told you before, that North Dakota made a huge impact on my depression and anxiety. It really was where it spiraled out of control and started to affect my everyday life. I started to see the affects of the disease I live with every single day and there were a lot of points in my life where I still never wanted to admit that I lived with such a disease. I had finally admitted to myself that I knew I had a problem and I needed to get help. 

It was at the end of November that Brecken and I made the decision to break things off. It was the hardest thing I have been through and it is still really hard for me to talk about to this day, because I was a confused and emotional mess when it happened. I didn’t want to leave him, I loved him. I knew though that deep down in my heart, I needed to leave him behind and go home. I knew that I needed to get help for myself and get myself into a better place. 

So, I made the decision to move home. 

Let me tell you – leaving North Dakota was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. I cried the entire way home. Yep, that is just over 19 hours of crying. I cried for days after I got home too. I was an extremely hard decision to make, but I knew that I had to make it for myself.

Once, I got home and gave myself a few days to settle down, I made a doctor’s appointment. I knew that I needed to not only talk to someone about what was going on emotionally with me, but I also knew that I needed to figure out what had been going on physically and mentally as well. I talked to my doctor whom I have been seeing for years; she thought that I had suffered from depression, but knew that the same time that I have to admit to myself that I struggled with it. 

She and I made the decision to get me on a prescription that would help balance out my body as well as some medication for the anxiety that I have always dealt with. I have always had anxiety attacks, but until I could get myself balanced, we both thought it best to have something to help calm me down if one was to happen. I had more back to back anxiety attacks in the first few months I was home then I had ever had in my entire life. For me, night time was always the worst. It took me such a long time to finally be able to sleep through the entire night without waking up from an anxiety attack. It was horrible to say the least.

Between my regular doctor and my counselor, I am grateful for the support they offered me. There is one thing that both my counselor and my sister offered as advice, write down your feelings. I really recommend this to anyone, doesn’t matter if you suffer from depression or not. Writing down your feelings/problems is such a great way to release those feelings that you are harboring inside of you. There will be times in your life where you need a second to yourself, you need to release those emotions, because they can tend to build and one day it will be too much.

Months went by and I had finally started to understand what was going on with my body. I started to understand my emotions and how to control them. The best part though, I started to feel better and normal. I finally hit that point in my life where I smiled for no reason and could really enjoy every single day. 

During the beginning months I had dedicated to getting myself better; I changed my eating habits, joined a gym and I lost the 30 pounds that I had gained while I was in North Dakota. I could honestly say that I felt amazing inside and out, for the first time in a really long time. This was so important to me. I finally was in a place where I felt happy and ambitious. It was so good to live a balanced life.

Since then – I have officially come off of my depression and anxiety medication and have learned how to handle the ups and downs on my own. Although, I do know that if at any moment, it is too much, I have an amazing support group behind me to get me back on track. I understand that everyone goes through their hardships in life, but I know now to not let it control me. If I have control of it, it will not destroy me. Also, I have been able to keep the weight off and I feel amazing! I am stronger than I was and I am extremely grateful for the trial that I have been through to get me here. I honestly can’t say that I would change a single thing that has happened in my life. I have been through some really hard times, but in the end I am a much stronger person because of it. I am happy and that is important to me. The best thing though, I know that no matter how hard life can get, I know that I can make it through it.

I really have to take a second and thank everyone in my life. I couldn’t have done it without you all, I really don’t know where I would be without you all. I am forever grateful for the support and courage through my journey to getting healthy and happy. I am so thankful for all the talks and non-stop support that I am so blessed to have received. I love you all!

I am sure you are all wondering about the end of our little love story. When Brecken and I reconnected in March, we both knew that we wanted to make sure we weren’t just jumping into something. We took things slow and got to know each other again. Our relationship now is stronger than it has ever been and we are grateful for the time we had apart, because it made us who we are today.  
If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. I would be more than happy to help you with whatever I can! If you think that there is a possibly you may suffer from depression or anxiety, please do me a favor and contact your doctor just to talk about it. It never hurts to talk to someone outside of your circle about something that is currently going on in your life.

I want to take a second and thank all of you whom have taken the time to read my journey. I know that I am one of many people out there who suffer with depression and I hope that someday, I will be able to inspire someone to get the help they need to get healthy and happy! 


I do encourage anyone, to reach out and email me, if you would like to join. I would love to be able to share your voice. This series is about anything that you find as a Tough Topic to talk about. It could be something you deal with daily (mental, physical, or emotional), something that happened to you and you no longer deal with, a relationship (family, friend, or partner), a story about your child, children and/or pregnancy, this series is really meant for anything that you find hardships with. 

Please withhold and refrain from writing/commenting any harsh or unkind words. Any comments that I feel are unwelcoming and not supportive, will be deleted from the post and series. Thank you in advance.

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